you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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