Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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