You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Im part way to drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
