I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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