I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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