It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
