Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
