True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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