I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
