1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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