M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You made out with two different species that night
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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