dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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