my phone needs a breathalizer
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
