Whatcha textin bout Willis?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
