woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
