3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
