Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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