I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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