Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
two words...techno handjob
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Houston, we have a blender
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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