i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
