today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
