Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
