Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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