I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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