you're like a bully in the Christmas story
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
