I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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