My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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