In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I accidentally had phone sex last night
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
