I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
