yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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