I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
