I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
