it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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