cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
