can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
