i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
