When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
