Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
