the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
