Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
