I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
