brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
