i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
