got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
