I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
