even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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