Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I am in a vortex of obligation.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
