mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
