i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
