The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
